What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

What did i know ?

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Especially a lifetime of it.

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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Why did my ex replace me so fast?

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Is using tech to track or monitor your partner’s activities a sign of love, insecurity, or control?

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I waited trembling.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Ipsa qui quis id sit et sit eius.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

When did you realize that your childhood was not normal?

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

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He resisted the act ,that day.

Who then, do I blame.?

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

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We all went to grammer schools

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Put me off passion for life!!

I think the readers, may guess!

How does someone start doing urban exploration?

Why did i forgive my father ?

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

I don,t even have a pension.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Ive learnt so much.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

This is soul school!.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

(And it was in our own minds.)

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

My life is so biszare .

My mum and dad in the seventies!

She was in good health!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I was 9 years of age.

It was going to be , some day.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

We were not on the streets..

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I said to her

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

So whats the point in blame.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

But ive been too sick for many years..

I know ,a lot about trauma.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

She married twice! .

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

He knew the spot.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I never cut or harmed myself..

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

As i do to all so called friends.?

I could never make a relationship work though!

All the time i was locked up.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Comes on , in middle age.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

She found it foreign!.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

She loved him until the end.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Would this be the day?

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Im still living with it.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I was scared of men, in general

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

When she asked me how she looked .

I couldn’t, believe it.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

She wouldn,t have been !

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

My family never makes their pension either.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

One cannot live in the past .

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

But, we were locked up after school.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Was to survive, this bastard.

I write beautiful poetry .

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

And i lived it daily.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I was very sick at this time too.

I was seconnd youngest,

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I will be 64.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I have no regrets .

But it wasn’t much.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

So, i spoilt her more .

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.